I am that I am.
I no longer know who or what I am heading towards. I am in a state of change. The roads that once were known become a shadow of dust and memory.
I still marvel at how people can let go with such ease. My journey is not as clear as that to me. Holding on to people is a deep place. A place that is well known. A valued value.
Now I swim in a sea of tolerance windows. Learning what the nervous system can and can not take. Learning how to choose something different, I pray. Please Goddess show me the way.
Please guide my choices and behaviors. Please show me how to become something other than a puppet of my past, on strings of pain.
Please allow this inspiration to MEAN SOMETHING. Please Mother, Destroyer. Please hear my wail in the night, and shine a light on this sculpted heart of mine.
None of it is wasted. People are. Each little choice a branch for the future. I am who I was, who I am, and who I may be.
I am a culmination of everything and nothing.
I am poetic tonight. The blended mixture of heart's blood and soul's sweat.
I miss the physical dream of a reality which never was to be. The body drugs which created its own drip, drip, drip...
I felt heavy in the afterwash today. I missed the tick tock of the clock.
I tried the taste of another and found it sour. Blah. No thanks.
This night I celebrate the small steps towards my dreams of becoming less socially isolated. There is a breath more hope this Season. I invited, a few people said yes. At the now.
We shall see what the future holds. I fight to have long term faith. The nagging voices are still too loud. Softly my parts. You have driven me to this moment. Let us work together to be a whole.
No more.
I am heavy today.
the thoughts lead the way.
