right to the Heart of the matter.

I loved a workshop Title.

"Your emotions make me hard"

The personal longing for that sentiment in my own life. The identification of the energetic.
When I go to look at it. (fuck)

A number of emotional feelings come up for me.
(glad to see them co-creating. sharing their gifts. glad to see him getting out in the world of self promotion/teaching). 

I feel anger. (does that emotion make you feel hard?) DOES IT?

The two people who I felt accepted and betrayed by the most. NO my emotions do not make you hard. You choose NOT to engage with my emotions. Your emotions have made my heart HARD. A cutting clarity.

*hypocrites*
 two fucking talented people, with similar interests and they were a NO to the reality of emotions *here*.

I made a mistake that was very painful. I emotionally invested in two people who had VERY DIFFERENT desires, and core definitions of what was wanted in their lives in relationships. Many shared hobbies, personal interests. So many similarities.

I will forgive myself for what I did not know, the knowledge that I did not have.

I keep running up on that. People I have shared my life with, all similar hobbies, shared interests, and yet it is the personal dynamics that break the connection.I acknowledge so many talented, similarities. Yet NO. In the end it is personal dysfunction and neurosis which gets the better out of all the shared connection points.

I shall LOVE YOU. I am now doing the acceptance of these parts of me within ME.

This is way deeper than two people I care about who are NOT me.

I become a person I TRUST. Trust worthy me.

Yes, I care. If I did not care, I would be without the concern.
so it is.

allowing this too.
may healing flow. HERE. 

Illuminating the sight within

I sense a hole in my vision.

I fear that I am retreading already walked upon ground.
The Professional wobble of moving forward because I have passion, yet without the practical grounding of "confident" foundations.

I have boat loads of resistance, and yet when I move in that direction it only feels *wrong* logically.

I feel like I am missing a *piece*. The deep voices in my head which control the subconscious image of self.

What in the world?
I step back into my Professional offerings, yet can hear the internal fears screaming.
Fear of Failure.
Fear of not being supported.
Fear of putting myself out there and being rejected.

The deep wounds of my past *haunt* me.
Why can't I shake them?

Why have they not been cleared yet?

I feel frusterated as I have been working on this for 2 years now.
WTF God?

Why do we feel this way again?
Have we made no progress?

I feel this familiar sinking feeling.
I notice myself judging me...self flaggilation is known.
A different view, yet I can still feel the *hole* in me. I can still feel where I have emotional ghosts creating in my subconscious. FUCK!

I shall love this.
I shall love the fuck out of you hole. I shall love your efforts to become known. I shall love the cries for compassion and soothing.
I shall love YOU.

I love you Kris...I love your self reflection. I love you ability to feel yourself.
...
I felt a hole in my Soul container. A sucking of parts of me away. It felt like another time. Something feeding on my ability to support myself. Something feeding on my life force.

*BE GONE* I close all portals. I cancel all contracts. I reclaim my internal power.
I cancel all contracts. I cancel all contracts. Be done. Be gone.
I release you. I release you. I claim myself. I CLAIM MY SELF.
I CLAIM MY OWN ENERGY.  You can no longer have it.

I claim my creative energy. I claim my inspiration. I claim my creativity.

celebrating a new season. The first of many new explorations.

I have come to a place which is to be a Writers Retreat. There are so many projects to work on.
*new websites
*new towns to offer events in
*my first book

Creating effective project management is on my mind.

I have underestimated the cost of resources to move to a different climate, a different location, a different household. I feel frustrated in my delusion.

I feel abased in my naivete. In all my conscious efforts to negotiate for my self worth, I think the unconscious under earning snag got to me. How to leverage the resources I have now to move forward.

What resources are not money based?

I have been so blessed this past season for fundamental needs met.

Now...to the work of Life.

I am rich in so may ways. There is more to accomplish.