Revisiting resilience.

Who did I turn to in times of crisis when I was a child? Who was there for me..
Teachers. People who shared a caring heart were the men and women who I shared classrooms with.

I was often considered a teacher's pet. I would have conversations with them, and feel like they would listen. I am grateful for the big hearted teachers who touched my path.

Ms. McGuire.
Ms. Hansen.
Mr. Hubburd.
Mr. Sharp.
Ms. Wener.

Some would last long past the time when I entered their classroom.  I felt like they saw me. Some of them understood me. It was nice and novel to have someone who was not always yelling or putting me down. I do not think my father understood the level of anger and pain he lived with. I think his father put him down too. What a sad thing, the passing along trauma in the Family circuit.

My other siblings had different family circumstances. Their father left them early on. My parents fought and arrgued for a long time before finally seperating. I used to wish that they would just be DONE with it! But no. They were both stubborn.


I did not have a healthy foundation for my adult relationships to be an example of. I have done so much healing work, with so many modalities. Goddess. So much time. And finally I feel like I am starting to make some progress. Those finely tuned defense mechinisms are starting to get less traction.

I have gathered tools to be able to share with others, so that they too may address the pain and hurt in their Hearts and Bodies. I love sharing my gifts. It helps bring context to my trials and tribulations.

It has been a long time...

The Spiral of Healing continues.

The Divine has shared marching orders, I am to free write about my childhood. And open to the healing of my stored Childhood trauma.

So be it.

What I can feel most deeply in my body is the longing to be held and nurtured. The inner child within who did not feel/recieve the affection she needed to *trust* that it is here in the world for her.

I can remember my busy mother, and my screaming father. My mother spoke the love language of generosity and money. If it was paid for, she considered that her contribution. My father thought if he showed up for my basketball events, that meant he cared. NOT TO ME!!! I desired a soothing voice, not to be emotionally abused with words and cutting tones. I desired to be taken into their arms and told how proud they were of me. To be LOVED FOR ME. Not their image of who they thought I should be.

I am angry and sad that their love has shaped the way I relate to others.

I feel so out of place in relationships. I feel anxious and easily out of sorts.

I can remember when I had a brother who lived in the same house, what a treasure to go bug him and share time together. Then he left me! Another person who bailed. Now we have no relationship.

I can remember my relationship to the animals...often it was a chore. Literally. Something that had to be done. Little did I know how connected I would feel to the horses, lambs, cats, dogs, etc later in life. They were so forgiving. They loved me unconditionally. Without worry about how good I did in my classes, or what my basketball schedule was. I was enough there. A good petting and they were happy. I was able to do enough.

I am tired tonight. It has been a busy day. I am working on this internal healing stuff.
Fucking learning relationships. I wish I was healed enough to have a serious, Romantic, Mutual, Sexual relationship. Yet each time I try I feel twarted. Inept. My favorite.

Well...life flows on. I continue the healing journey. Another layer.

I acknowledge what my experience was so I can allow it to BE. So it is.

(7mins free typing)

right to the Heart of the matter.

I loved a workshop Title.

"Your emotions make me hard"

The personal longing for that sentiment in my own life. The identification of the energetic.
When I go to look at it. (fuck)

A number of emotional feelings come up for me.
(glad to see them co-creating. sharing their gifts. glad to see him getting out in the world of self promotion/teaching). 

I feel anger. (does that emotion make you feel hard?) DOES IT?

The two people who I felt accepted and betrayed by the most. NO my emotions do not make you hard. You choose NOT to engage with my emotions. Your emotions have made my heart HARD. A cutting clarity.

*hypocrites*
 two fucking talented people, with similar interests and they were a NO to the reality of emotions *here*.

I made a mistake that was very painful. I emotionally invested in two people who had VERY DIFFERENT desires, and core definitions of what was wanted in their lives in relationships. Many shared hobbies, personal interests. So many similarities.

I will forgive myself for what I did not know, the knowledge that I did not have.

I keep running up on that. People I have shared my life with, all similar hobbies, shared interests, and yet it is the personal dynamics that break the connection.I acknowledge so many talented, similarities. Yet NO. In the end it is personal dysfunction and neurosis which gets the better out of all the shared connection points.

I shall LOVE YOU. I am now doing the acceptance of these parts of me within ME.

This is way deeper than two people I care about who are NOT me.

I become a person I TRUST. Trust worthy me.

Yes, I care. If I did not care, I would be without the concern.
so it is.

allowing this too.
may healing flow. HERE. 

Illuminating the sight within

I sense a hole in my vision.

I fear that I am retreading already walked upon ground.
The Professional wobble of moving forward because I have passion, yet without the practical grounding of "confident" foundations.

I have boat loads of resistance, and yet when I move in that direction it only feels *wrong* logically.

I feel like I am missing a *piece*. The deep voices in my head which control the subconscious image of self.

What in the world?
I step back into my Professional offerings, yet can hear the internal fears screaming.
Fear of Failure.
Fear of not being supported.
Fear of putting myself out there and being rejected.

The deep wounds of my past *haunt* me.
Why can't I shake them?

Why have they not been cleared yet?

I feel frusterated as I have been working on this for 2 years now.
WTF God?

Why do we feel this way again?
Have we made no progress?

I feel this familiar sinking feeling.
I notice myself judging me...self flaggilation is known.
A different view, yet I can still feel the *hole* in me. I can still feel where I have emotional ghosts creating in my subconscious. FUCK!

I shall love this.
I shall love the fuck out of you hole. I shall love your efforts to become known. I shall love the cries for compassion and soothing.
I shall love YOU.

I love you Kris...I love your self reflection. I love you ability to feel yourself.
...
I felt a hole in my Soul container. A sucking of parts of me away. It felt like another time. Something feeding on my ability to support myself. Something feeding on my life force.

*BE GONE* I close all portals. I cancel all contracts. I reclaim my internal power.
I cancel all contracts. I cancel all contracts. Be done. Be gone.
I release you. I release you. I claim myself. I CLAIM MY SELF.
I CLAIM MY OWN ENERGY.  You can no longer have it.

I claim my creative energy. I claim my inspiration. I claim my creativity.

celebrating a new season. The first of many new explorations.

I have come to a place which is to be a Writers Retreat. There are so many projects to work on.
*new websites
*new towns to offer events in
*my first book

Creating effective project management is on my mind.

I have underestimated the cost of resources to move to a different climate, a different location, a different household. I feel frustrated in my delusion.

I feel abased in my naivete. In all my conscious efforts to negotiate for my self worth, I think the unconscious under earning snag got to me. How to leverage the resources I have now to move forward.

What resources are not money based?

I have been so blessed this past season for fundamental needs met.

Now...to the work of Life.

I am rich in so may ways. There is more to accomplish.

"one of our most powerful features, and a lot of people are intimidated by it. If it seems scary, don't worry—that's just its sheer awesomeness radiating from your screen"

Cliche, and yet it moved me to really think about what "sheer awesomeness" I have in my Life. The spiritual journey is filled with such twists and turns. One day a challenging experience happens and feels like it whips out my emotional resources, the next I am full of Community connection, peers respect and generating Hope again.

The "S.A" is in the flow for me. That change does happen, and is the only real constant in this life. As much as I desire to hold onto what feels good, or move through the challenging (heart wrenching) times...change is always there. Moving us beyond what we imagined.

This journey is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage, commitment, a dash of irreverence and tom foolery. Our current society has a very specific set of ideals and social norms. A deep spiritual quest will question all of that. It will shape you into the essence of yourSelf. You will fly on the passion of the moment, and sink deep into the fertile realm of the subconscious.

What does sheer awesomeness have to do with Spirituality? It is the journey. The terrifying cliffs of the unknown, the bliss of a cycle complete. Feeling that knowledge inside yourself: clarity. The inner voice of wisdom shining through the mists of confusion.

Pain and pleasure both exist. To be within them, and honor their wisdom without judging them is a huge task of the adventurer. Yes, I have a preference for pleasure. Yes, I enjoy studying the technologies which bring pleasure into my life, and that I may share with others. I have also studied the conscious pain and transcendent properties within. Both may be vehicles for experience. Both have cathartic properties.

Let us now fly on the wings of change, and acknowledge our emotional responses while being in the flow of change. This is a beautiful time of being...let's create that sheer awesomeness...one choice to be present with what IS at a time.


Blessings.

Getting Intimate with Shame

I was touched by the power of the conversation of shame a few months ago. After watching http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html I took a look deep into myself. Where did I have unconscious shame in my Life?

Now this is a vulnerable question, to one such as I. I am a deep self-reflecting being. It is one of my gifts, and one of my challenges. I am able to tease apart each aspect of myself, however to allow myself to be Loved as a whole? That is a whole different set of integration.

So back to shame...This past week, I have had a very illuminating experience which brings up my shame for view. You see in my family we have a unconscious agreement to hide shame. Emotions are unspoken, generally and shame the most hidden.

I find deep shame in our family around money. Now, I sense this to be indicative of the whole of our Western "commercial" culture...like sex, money has gotten a skewed image. Also like sex, it is not "the thing" its self that is the cause of the challenges, it is...I believe...what we DO with it. What our intentions are for the use of it? How do we use the creative power within it?

In my own personal journey, I am called to become Intimate with Shame so that I can understand myself better. When I can understand how I am emotionally triggered then, I can create more space in the space between that trigger and reaction. I can have choices. And those choices ARE EMPOWERING!! Thus starting the healing process of the roots of the shame its self.

Currently I am reading Brene Brown's book: "I thought it was just me...but it isn't" I enjoy the philosophy of the more tools the better to get to know our whole selves. I love books for that very reason. They share stories, and I find myself in relation to different parts of myself.

The internal conversations ever continue.

Creating a prosperous heart one moment at a time...